It's 5 am And I Haven't Slept Yet

I keep alternating between writing projects, and I just finished reading a book that really inspired me to start writing again (FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell, if you were wondering), but I feel that everything that I write is complete and total crap (which I've heard is normal among writers). I keep asking if I need to change genres, change writing styles, or just keep plundering through in the hopes that maybe this project will be the one to catch on.

HELP ME, O PATRON GODS OF WRITING

Also,

What the heck am I doing up at 5 am?? I'm test driving a car tomorrow (no, wait, today) and I'm nervous as heck (I shouldn't be, Dad's coming along to test drive it, too, which means I will probably wheedle him into driving at least half of the test drive). There's snow on the road, which I've never actually driven on, and I'm really hoping that this is THE CAR (even though it's not a Chevy Impala, which I loved way before I started watching SUPERNATURAL) and that I can get it this week and move out by the end of this week.

Wish me luck!

--m

Useless Simile Time. Indulge Me.

Driving a car is a lot like using a deep fryer.

Those of you who know me really well know that I am terrified of driving. I only recently got my license, less than one month before my 21st birthday. It's totally scary, let me tell you. I already have a thing about large machinery with loads of power behind them.

I am, however, an avid deep-fryer. I have my own little Fry-daddy (named Small Fry). I was deep frying some potato slices tonight, and I made up this little simile of cars and deep fryers. I am really good at using my deep fryer. I got it nearly four years ago -- it is my pride and joy. It keeps me Southern. I can tell just by listening if something is done cooking in it, I can tell by looking if the oil is hot enough to start cooking in, I can drop things in and snatch my hand back with almost mathematical precision.

The point is, I have practiced deep frying to the point of mastery. There's a ton of dangers with using hot oil, just like there is in driving. Okay, so driving has a lot more threats, especially because it deals with other people, not just your hand that gets burned if you don't get it back fast enough. I'm getting sidetracked again.

I guess I'm just hoping that I will get as good at driving as I do at deep frying.  I hope that I will one day remember all the dangers, but I am so used to dealing with them that they don't scare me anymore. I'm hoping that driving becomes my next deep frying.

-m

On Bullying

Little kids are smarter than movies give them credit for. They don't walk around in tightly knit groups with a leader who looks like a future gang leader.

Let me tell you what they do.

There are much crueler things than intimidation. When I was in school, that little gang thing never happened except for one time when two kids chased me around the playground. I was young, but I knew that if they caught me, then they would hurt me. That was my first thought, that they were going to hurt me.

I didn't think that they were just playing. Maybe I saw a malicious fire in their eyes, young as they were, or maybe it was because I wasn't being ignored.

There were two ways that I was bullied in school. The first was that everyone ignored me. The second was that when they weren't ignoring me, they were calling me names. I know, that second one sounds petty to care about. It's not so petty when you're told that the only reason you got a part in the school play was because you were a teacher's pet, not because you had talent. It's not so petty when the only time someone talks to you is to make fun of you.

Ignoring someone is so sly, so very sly. It makes you alone. Alone at lunch. Alone in class. Alone in recess. The teachers say to sit down and shut up, but you weren't saying anything in the first place, so you try to take up even less space because you think that the teacher was talking to you. Maybe being smaller and invisible would make the other kids happy, make the teacher happy, make your parents happy.

This is what bullying does. It doesn't just give kids black eyes. It gives them broken ways of seeing themselves.

Writing Dialogue Is Hard Work

And now I'm reminded why most of my characters have very little speaking roles.

Making Up My Bed

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

When I'm manic, I get so overwhelmed that I do other things (like clean the entire house).

When I'm depressed, I get so overwhelmed that I don't do anything.

When I'm having mood swings (read: today) I make up my bed and stay there because even leaving my room overwhelms me, but I need something to do.

-m

I Got A New Heating Pad And His Name Is George

I don't know why, he just seemed like a "George" to me. I'm not sticking very strictly to this name. It may change in the future.

But that's not important right now. What is important is that I finally have a new heating pad! It's actually bigger than my last one, and its cover is removable so that I can wash it when it gets dirty. What can I say? I'm in love with this thing.

Rest in peace, former heating pad. You served me well. Your successor has been an accepted offering.

-m

Aaaargh!

I got my hair cut yesterday back to a pixie (which I am LOVING, even if it does make me look like a boy when I'm in my pajamas). I'm actually really excited to have my short hair back.

Shocker of the week: I sent a picture of it to my mom, who normally hates pixie cuts, and she said that she liked it! My work here is done.

I just got paid, and the store opened 45 minutes ago. I am thinking of trekking a block and a half on ice to go get some veggies so that I can make some stir fry. My roommate has been begging me to make some all semester, and I am really down for random morning cooking.

I am also going to go get a heating pad because (insert despair here) mine died last week whilst I was visiting the lovely Laura (check out her blog on my sidebar, because she's amazing. And also needs to update more. Then again, so do I).

Is today the day that I finally start vlogging? Glory be, it just might! I'm thinking of doing a November Favorites vlog, a nice easy start that will get me in the swing of things. And then I might do a couple of tags, even though I haven't been tagged in any of them.

My makeup is all done up, I'm going to try a hat on my gorgeous hair to make it more feminine, and I am going to be wearing either my favorite silver hoops (they look like sailor's rope) or my favorite pair of earrings ever, my anchor ones.

It's been decided. Anchor earrings, coin necklace, I'm dressing like a pirate today.

-m

Cross It Off The List

I managed a nearly perfect smokey eye -- using a completely different palette! No grays and blacks for me, it's all about golds and browns. My mother would be so pleased with those colors. She's got a thing for warm earthy tones.

Five Things I Want To Do Today

1. Go get my hair cut (pixie time again!).

2. Finish my application for a new full-time job.

3. Write an essay.

4. Clean the dishes/kitchen.

5. Perfect the smokey-eye look. I'm close, so close....

It's 6 AM And The Laundry Is Done

Well, other than being put away. Because waking a roommate up to put your undies away is rude, people, it is just rude. Seriously. I now await patiently for my roommate to wake up, or for it to get light enough outside to where I can navigate around our room without waking her up. Whichever comes first. *casual shrug*

I took a bubble bath which turned into a shower and neither of them turned out to be very long and now I am ravenous and want both spaghetti and veggies and dip. So I think that I'll have both. Yes? Yes.

Now for the real dilemma: do I watch Netflix, a movie, or continue watching beauty vlogs on YouTube?

-m

It's 3 AM And I'm Bored

I slept all day today, so naturally I can't sleep during the night. That's okay, though, because it means I get to be productive. So far I've washed all my clothes (including bedclothes) and I'm just waiting for them to dry (which is the WORST part of the laundry experience in this apartment complex).

I'm messing around on my YouTube channel while I'm waiting, listening to Daughtry because I miss my brother, and trying to think of awesome ways to  start vlogging in order to keep from bouncing around in excitement about my new Thanksgiving plans.

Initially, I was going to spend Thanksgiving here by myself (I was SO looking forward to it, making a fort and everything). I've even got everything I need to make my Thanksgiving dinner in the fridge/pantry. Laura called yesterday, though, and said she had enough money to bring me down to her house for Thanksgiving and that she wanted me to come down. I wasn't sure at first, but now I am. I most certainly want to go down for Thanksgiving. We leave tomorrow (tomorrow!) and I am SO NERVOUS I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF.

In other news, my doctor believes that I am on the spectrum of Bipolar Disorder, and I'm finishing up my testing for ADD. I'm going to try to see my doctor today, and I will definitely see my therapist today, and overall I'm just hoping that today is going to be a good day.

-m

I'm Not Able To Function Today

I took a shower, panicked all the way through it, panicked all the way through eating lunch (popcorn), and was unable to go to the class that I didn't sleep through. I feel completely overwhelmed and panicked and I might have triggered my disordered eating back into play (although that might also be the looming threat of clean checks tonight. I have a lot of looming threats and they scare me).

I have piles of housework and work-work and homework staring me in the face and I can't function. I'm surprised I'm at the level of writing this post, to be honest, but I think I'm trying to release some of the tension and break the day down into more manageable levels.

I went to the doctor a couple days ago and he increased my Prozac, gave me some birth control (hallelujah!), and then suggested that I get tested for ADD. Lovely. I'll be doing that on Monday.

-m

An Open Letter To My Grammar Professor

Dear Professor,

I DON'T CARE WHY YOU WANT TO TEACH. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO TEACH. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SELF-CONGRATULATED SPEECHES TO US. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FAMILY, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU SAYING THINGS IN FIVE SUPERFLUOUS WAYS.

I DO, HOWEVER, CARE ABOUT GRAMMAR, WHICH SEEMS TO BE THE LAST THING THAT YOU WANT US TO UNDERSTAND IN THIS CLASS.

PLEASE STOP WASTING OUR TIME AND THEN COMPLAINING ABOUT US NOT ATTENDING CLASS.

Sincerely,

A Regular Absentee Who Cannot Stand You As A  Person

Remember A Long Time Ago When I Decided to Vlog?

Yeah, well, it didn't really pan out then. I wanted to start "Booktubing" this summer, but with all the  surgeries and getting my driver's license and stuff it didn't really pan out.

I've been thinking about trying my hand at it again. It probably won't have a theme -- just whatever I'm feeling like doing, whether it be books (most likely), or things I've bought, or top ten lists, or something like that. Maybe eventually it'll pan out.

I really want to get started on that now because I have found vloggig Nirvana -- my bedroom has the perfect lighting during the day to make me looking like a book goddess. It's now or never, folks! I'll be sure to update you here on if it actually works or not, and provide you with links.

Any topics that you would like me to do? (aka, PLEASE TELL ME THINGS TO VLOG ABOUT I AM SO BAD ABOUT THIS)

--m

My Blog Says I've Been A Blogger Since 2008 -- How Many Years Is That, Again?

That's five years. I just counted.

It's really kind of surreal to think about. Just yesterday I was starting my first blog, a high-schooler, making sure that every one of my blog posts was a song title. Now I'm in college, my blog has gone through a couple different incarnations, and what have I learned from it?

Not much, to be honest. Other than that I love blogging. I love sharing myself on here, and hoping and praying that someone is reading and that they smile a little because I've blogged. I hope that I make you happy, readers. But if I don't, oh well. That's the lovely thing about it.

I love you dearly, readers. Here's to five more years typing it all out! Maybe I'll get a sense of regularity in the coming years. Eh...and maybe not.

--m