Useless Simile Time. Indulge Me.

Driving a car is a lot like using a deep fryer.

Those of you who know me really well know that I am terrified of driving. I only recently got my license, less than one month before my 21st birthday. It's totally scary, let me tell you. I already have a thing about large machinery with loads of power behind them.

I am, however, an avid deep-fryer. I have my own little Fry-daddy (named Small Fry). I was deep frying some potato slices tonight, and I made up this little simile of cars and deep fryers. I am really good at using my deep fryer. I got it nearly four years ago -- it is my pride and joy. It keeps me Southern. I can tell just by listening if something is done cooking in it, I can tell by looking if the oil is hot enough to start cooking in, I can drop things in and snatch my hand back with almost mathematical precision.

The point is, I have practiced deep frying to the point of mastery. There's a ton of dangers with using hot oil, just like there is in driving. Okay, so driving has a lot more threats, especially because it deals with other people, not just your hand that gets burned if you don't get it back fast enough. I'm getting sidetracked again.

I guess I'm just hoping that I will get as good at driving as I do at deep frying.  I hope that I will one day remember all the dangers, but I am so used to dealing with them that they don't scare me anymore. I'm hoping that driving becomes my next deep frying.

-m

On Bullying

Little kids are smarter than movies give them credit for. They don't walk around in tightly knit groups with a leader who looks like a future gang leader.

Let me tell you what they do.

There are much crueler things than intimidation. When I was in school, that little gang thing never happened except for one time when two kids chased me around the playground. I was young, but I knew that if they caught me, then they would hurt me. That was my first thought, that they were going to hurt me.

I didn't think that they were just playing. Maybe I saw a malicious fire in their eyes, young as they were, or maybe it was because I wasn't being ignored.

There were two ways that I was bullied in school. The first was that everyone ignored me. The second was that when they weren't ignoring me, they were calling me names. I know, that second one sounds petty to care about. It's not so petty when you're told that the only reason you got a part in the school play was because you were a teacher's pet, not because you had talent. It's not so petty when the only time someone talks to you is to make fun of you.

Ignoring someone is so sly, so very sly. It makes you alone. Alone at lunch. Alone in class. Alone in recess. The teachers say to sit down and shut up, but you weren't saying anything in the first place, so you try to take up even less space because you think that the teacher was talking to you. Maybe being smaller and invisible would make the other kids happy, make the teacher happy, make your parents happy.

This is what bullying does. It doesn't just give kids black eyes. It gives them broken ways of seeing themselves.

Writing Dialogue Is Hard Work

And now I'm reminded why most of my characters have very little speaking roles.

Making Up My Bed

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

When I'm manic, I get so overwhelmed that I do other things (like clean the entire house).

When I'm depressed, I get so overwhelmed that I don't do anything.

When I'm having mood swings (read: today) I make up my bed and stay there because even leaving my room overwhelms me, but I need something to do.

-m

I Got A New Heating Pad And His Name Is George

I don't know why, he just seemed like a "George" to me. I'm not sticking very strictly to this name. It may change in the future.

But that's not important right now. What is important is that I finally have a new heating pad! It's actually bigger than my last one, and its cover is removable so that I can wash it when it gets dirty. What can I say? I'm in love with this thing.

Rest in peace, former heating pad. You served me well. Your successor has been an accepted offering.

-m

Aaaargh!

I got my hair cut yesterday back to a pixie (which I am LOVING, even if it does make me look like a boy when I'm in my pajamas). I'm actually really excited to have my short hair back.

Shocker of the week: I sent a picture of it to my mom, who normally hates pixie cuts, and she said that she liked it! My work here is done.

I just got paid, and the store opened 45 minutes ago. I am thinking of trekking a block and a half on ice to go get some veggies so that I can make some stir fry. My roommate has been begging me to make some all semester, and I am really down for random morning cooking.

I am also going to go get a heating pad because (insert despair here) mine died last week whilst I was visiting the lovely Laura (check out her blog on my sidebar, because she's amazing. And also needs to update more. Then again, so do I).

Is today the day that I finally start vlogging? Glory be, it just might! I'm thinking of doing a November Favorites vlog, a nice easy start that will get me in the swing of things. And then I might do a couple of tags, even though I haven't been tagged in any of them.

My makeup is all done up, I'm going to try a hat on my gorgeous hair to make it more feminine, and I am going to be wearing either my favorite silver hoops (they look like sailor's rope) or my favorite pair of earrings ever, my anchor ones.

It's been decided. Anchor earrings, coin necklace, I'm dressing like a pirate today.

-m

Cross It Off The List

I managed a nearly perfect smokey eye -- using a completely different palette! No grays and blacks for me, it's all about golds and browns. My mother would be so pleased with those colors. She's got a thing for warm earthy tones.

Five Things I Want To Do Today

1. Go get my hair cut (pixie time again!).

2. Finish my application for a new full-time job.

3. Write an essay.

4. Clean the dishes/kitchen.

5. Perfect the smokey-eye look. I'm close, so close....

It's 6 AM And The Laundry Is Done

Well, other than being put away. Because waking a roommate up to put your undies away is rude, people, it is just rude. Seriously. I now await patiently for my roommate to wake up, or for it to get light enough outside to where I can navigate around our room without waking her up. Whichever comes first. *casual shrug*

I took a bubble bath which turned into a shower and neither of them turned out to be very long and now I am ravenous and want both spaghetti and veggies and dip. So I think that I'll have both. Yes? Yes.

Now for the real dilemma: do I watch Netflix, a movie, or continue watching beauty vlogs on YouTube?

-m

It's 3 AM And I'm Bored

I slept all day today, so naturally I can't sleep during the night. That's okay, though, because it means I get to be productive. So far I've washed all my clothes (including bedclothes) and I'm just waiting for them to dry (which is the WORST part of the laundry experience in this apartment complex).

I'm messing around on my YouTube channel while I'm waiting, listening to Daughtry because I miss my brother, and trying to think of awesome ways to  start vlogging in order to keep from bouncing around in excitement about my new Thanksgiving plans.

Initially, I was going to spend Thanksgiving here by myself (I was SO looking forward to it, making a fort and everything). I've even got everything I need to make my Thanksgiving dinner in the fridge/pantry. Laura called yesterday, though, and said she had enough money to bring me down to her house for Thanksgiving and that she wanted me to come down. I wasn't sure at first, but now I am. I most certainly want to go down for Thanksgiving. We leave tomorrow (tomorrow!) and I am SO NERVOUS I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF.

In other news, my doctor believes that I am on the spectrum of Bipolar Disorder, and I'm finishing up my testing for ADD. I'm going to try to see my doctor today, and I will definitely see my therapist today, and overall I'm just hoping that today is going to be a good day.

-m

I'm Not Able To Function Today

I took a shower, panicked all the way through it, panicked all the way through eating lunch (popcorn), and was unable to go to the class that I didn't sleep through. I feel completely overwhelmed and panicked and I might have triggered my disordered eating back into play (although that might also be the looming threat of clean checks tonight. I have a lot of looming threats and they scare me).

I have piles of housework and work-work and homework staring me in the face and I can't function. I'm surprised I'm at the level of writing this post, to be honest, but I think I'm trying to release some of the tension and break the day down into more manageable levels.

I went to the doctor a couple days ago and he increased my Prozac, gave me some birth control (hallelujah!), and then suggested that I get tested for ADD. Lovely. I'll be doing that on Monday.

-m

An Open Letter To My Grammar Professor

Dear Professor,

I DON'T CARE WHY YOU WANT TO TEACH. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO TEACH. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SELF-CONGRATULATED SPEECHES TO US. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FAMILY, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU SAYING THINGS IN FIVE SUPERFLUOUS WAYS.

I DO, HOWEVER, CARE ABOUT GRAMMAR, WHICH SEEMS TO BE THE LAST THING THAT YOU WANT US TO UNDERSTAND IN THIS CLASS.

PLEASE STOP WASTING OUR TIME AND THEN COMPLAINING ABOUT US NOT ATTENDING CLASS.

Sincerely,

A Regular Absentee Who Cannot Stand You As A  Person

Remember A Long Time Ago When I Decided to Vlog?

Yeah, well, it didn't really pan out then. I wanted to start "Booktubing" this summer, but with all the  surgeries and getting my driver's license and stuff it didn't really pan out.

I've been thinking about trying my hand at it again. It probably won't have a theme -- just whatever I'm feeling like doing, whether it be books (most likely), or things I've bought, or top ten lists, or something like that. Maybe eventually it'll pan out.

I really want to get started on that now because I have found vloggig Nirvana -- my bedroom has the perfect lighting during the day to make me looking like a book goddess. It's now or never, folks! I'll be sure to update you here on if it actually works or not, and provide you with links.

Any topics that you would like me to do? (aka, PLEASE TELL ME THINGS TO VLOG ABOUT I AM SO BAD ABOUT THIS)

--m

My Blog Says I've Been A Blogger Since 2008 -- How Many Years Is That, Again?

That's five years. I just counted.

It's really kind of surreal to think about. Just yesterday I was starting my first blog, a high-schooler, making sure that every one of my blog posts was a song title. Now I'm in college, my blog has gone through a couple different incarnations, and what have I learned from it?

Not much, to be honest. Other than that I love blogging. I love sharing myself on here, and hoping and praying that someone is reading and that they smile a little because I've blogged. I hope that I make you happy, readers. But if I don't, oh well. That's the lovely thing about it.

I love you dearly, readers. Here's to five more years typing it all out! Maybe I'll get a sense of regularity in the coming years. Eh...and maybe not.

--m

Supernatural

I just finished season 8 of SUPERNATURAL.

NOW ON TO SEASON 9 LET'S DO THIS.

-m

Thunderstorms

It has been thunderstorming all day, and it's been really nice.

Also, I got through the rest of season two of ONCE UPON A TIME. I need more. Right now. Pronto.

-m

Catharsis

Writing the first blog post of the day is really hard (mostly because you expect today's to be phenomenal and amazing and so much better than yesterday's this has to be the best written post in the world or you cannot post it not true just press the post button).

Afterwards, though, you just want to keep posting. Pressing that button and having it published on your blog is really cathartic. It's getting all of these ideas and emotions out there in a medium that I am the most comfortable in. It's a great release. Your blog and your readers (however few they may be) end up feeling like one of your best friends.

-m

Walking Is Not As Easy As Babies Make It Look

I mean, I think that the title says it all. Babies make it look all fun and adventurous and bouncy, and no one gets frustrated with a baby not being able to walk. Not even them (or if they do, then they don't remember it so it's like it never happened. Do babies even know what frustration feels like?).

Yesterday I got cleared to put full weight on my knee, which means "TOSS THOSE CRUTCHES OUT, SUCKAS, YOU BE WALKIN' NOW." This is a paraphrase of what my doctor told me.

Now, I am beyond excited to walk. I've been moaning and pining for the day where I didn't have to lug Galileo and Magellan (my crutches) around and be able to walk and do things and be active, because as fun as couch-potatoing it sounds in theory, after a few days it really sucks. Not even STAR TREK: TNG can make it un-suck. It just makes it a little less suckier.

Here's the thing about walking, though: you do it without even thinking about it. This is not a royal "you," a general entity that I consider myself a part of even though I used the pronoun "you." I am not included in this. Reader, if you can walk, then YOU are the "you" that I am referring to.

Get up and walk around the room real quick. Just a couple seconds. Go on.

See? You don't really have to think about it. You tell your brain "I want to walk in circles around the room" and suddenly you're doing it. It's not quite that easy for someone who has not been able to walk for a month or so. Believe it or not, you can actually forget how to walk, and so trying to walk is an awkward "wait, where does this go, do I move this now, how do I bend this, is this a weird angle to bend, is it heel first and then toe or toe first and then heel?"

Needless to say, this makes walking very slow and even more tiresome.

Maybe I can get a baby to tutor me.

-m

Night Vale And Hot Chocolate

Question:
Why is it that the only time I have hot chocolate, it's two cups in August?

I've been listening to a new podcast that has blown up on the internet. May I recommend to you, dear readers, WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE. Go look it up on YouTube. I have no links for you today (I know, I know, bad blogger). It's the weirdest thing in the most charming way, and it goes from quirky fun to inspirational thought in a split second. Oh, yeah, Cecil. You keep talking 'bout that third eye of yours.

I Might Be Psychic

A great deal of you know that every few weeks, I have really vivid dreams. Now, lately these dreams have been mostly nightmares that have terrified me to the point of panic -- I tend to die very painful deaths in them (that's right, folks. I actually die. And it REALLY hurts).

Now, I recently had another bout of vivid dreams (actually, I'm still having them), and it's turning out to be...well, interesting. They aren't nightmares (thank goodness), but they've just gotten a little odd.

Have two examples:

1. I have a friend. He appeared in my dream one night, and during the dream he pointed out some Star Wars Olympics that were going on. Don't ask me what the Star Wars Olympics are, I don't know, all I remember is a Yoda-like creature on a pretty-dang-close-to-vertical obstacle course. That's beside the point. The point, dear readers, is that when I woke up, I immediately texted him, and he had been playing KOTOR 2 (for those of you unfamiliar with Star Wars video games, KOTOR 2 is an Xbox game, and it stands for Knights of the Old Republic. I'm a fan of the first one, and of that segment of Star Wars history in general. I like it much better than the post-Empirical New Jedi Order era).

2. That dream up above wouldn't really mean anything if this next one hadn't happened. Let me give you a brief character list.

Characters:
Me - a girl/woman/female entity. I need a little less introduction than these others.
BOY 1 - a boy with who I went on a second date with.
BOY 2 - another boy from the Singles Branch who I find very attractive and witty and smart, and who I had a huge crush on last summer.

 Settings:
DREAM - the dream that I had the night before the second date with BOY 1.
DATE - Joseph-Beth Booksellers, the best bookstore/duck pond around. It's like Heaven on Earth. I could live there for forever.

And now, the psychic event.

DREAM:
In my dream, I am supposed to be going on a date with BOY 1, but I don't want to. It's not because I don't like the guy, I do, he's nice, but I'm in love with BOY 2 and he's in love with me, too, and the dream consists of us trying to hide from BOY 2 and expressing our feelings and trying to kiss. That was it, that was the dream.

DATE:
So BOY 1 and I are on our date, we've fed the ducks, we're browsing books. Out of nowhere I hear someone calling my name, and I look over to see BOY 2 coming up to us. He was browsing, hanging around to listen to one of the outside musical appearances of a (I presume) local musician. He suggested we go see them. We did.

Now, a few things of note:
1. He called my name, not the name of BOY 1 that he's known for longer.
2. During 98.2% of the conversation, eye contact and conversation was directed towards me, not BOY 1. 

Conclusion:
Based on the contents of these dreams and the events on the days directly after, I have no choice but to assume that I am, in fact, psychic. Feel free to come and get a reading, prices will be determined upon request. Payment plans are available.

-m

Thank You

To all of the people who read this and responded with love and kindness and friendship. You'll never know how much it means to me.

Confessions

There's a reason that I renamed this blog Confessional M. It was essentially for this post, for this one big confessional outpouring that I needed to get out and let you know. If you're reading this blog at all, it's because I have trusted you with the url of it. I want you to know these things about me, even if they are unbearably hard to tell you. No one wants to tell their friends the darker sides of themselves.

And these confessions are very, very dark.

Before you continue reading, I want you to click this link and start this song running. This is the song that I am writing this post to, and the vibe of it works very well with the tone I am trying to set, the message that I am trying to share. Well, okay, maybe it's not that deep, but it's helped me a whole lot while writing this post, and it might make it easier for you to read it. A way for us to connect, as it were.

Go ahead and put it on. I'll wait.

Ready?

These are my confessions:

1. I am a (recovering) self-harmer. I'm in a fairly beginning stage in the process, and it's riddled with relapses and struggles that I am not always dealing with very well. I have been self-harming for the past six or seven years. The things with self-harming is that it's more than an emotional distress. Even in the moments where I find another way out (which is more difficult than it seems when nearly everything is a trigger), it is still an addiction that I must overcome. I am not very successful in this. I keep a knife or other sharp object with me at all times, some band-aids, and usually a cardigan, just to let me know that I have that option. I was very proud of myself for leaving the knife I had bought just for harming in storage at school, but it has not solved my problems. That's because my first entry into self-harm was not a knife. It was myself. I would dig my nails into my skin until I bled, and so that makes every situation a potential lapse -- I use myself as a weapon against myself. That's been my most common form of lapse this summer. It's more immediate and easier to hide. I'm trying very hard to stop, which is often why people at church will notice me drawing, or writing, or drawing butterflies on my arms. I will be going back to school, and that knife will be there, and I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to throw it away. It is very realistic to think that I will have a very large relapse. It's a very scary thought, whatever I choose, whether it's to give in to my addiction, or to make an even larger step towards ridding myself of it. There is no easy way here.

2. I have very serious depression, which has only gotten worse over the years to the point of me coming very close, dangerously close,  to committing suicide last fall/winter (the only thing left for me to plan out was the actual date). And me still sometimes planning it out. It's a very serious thing that I am working with. Right now I am not on medication, mostly for reasons of cost and the stigma surrounding it from a cultural and familial standpoint. I will most likely need to start setting those up again, though, because I think that my particular strain is Seasonal Affect Disorder, where during fall and winter I am severely affected, but during summer it lessens up. Not disappears, but lessens up. That also might be because I spend summers at home, usually, where I have to hide it a lot better. At least, I feel like I do. It has been getting worse every year, and with last year being as scary as it was, I'm terrified for what this coming season will bring. Absolutely terrified. If you want to know what this feels like, listen to this song. I've named my depression; his name is Ezra. This is a sort of lullaby he sings to me. Not a very nice one, I'll give 'im that, but very hypnotizing. Impossible to get away from sometimes.

3. I was sexually abused as a child by someone very close both in age and relation to me (no, not a father, or brother, or uncle. But in that vicinity close). To this day I am terrified of physical contact, especially from people who come up from behind me. And especially from men. Just sitting by a guy sends me into panic.I feel very unsafe most of the time. I dislike large crowds, I dislike being in the close vicinity of a man. In fact, there are very few men that I trust (they are the ones reading this. Or, at least, the ones I've offered this post to). Because of a great of bullying growing up, this experience, and especially because this experience was caused by family, my ability to trust has been shattered since early childhood. It takes me an extremely long time to be even remotely trusting with someone. This last year has the been the first time that I have been able to do that, and it terrifies me. I do not like giving someone that kind of control over me. I was conditioned to know that that kind of control was going to be abused, and leave me both hurt and alone. I don't know if I can express the type of danger I feel that I am in every time there is physical contact with someone else -- even if it's a girl, or a really good friend, it makes me scared enough to cry. If I don't initiate the contact, I cannot handle it. I can't even sit next to people (and I thank my roommates for always leaving a spot at group meals for me to sit a little distanced from everyone else, even if they didn't realize they were doing it).

I don't say any of these things to make you feel sorry for me. I am not trying to be melodramatic. I am not begging for sympathy, or being, pardon my french, an "attention whore." I am not doing this to say "oh, look how hard my life is, feel sorry for me." I really hope that it does not come off that way. I understand that, as difficult as it was for me to write/post these things, it's just as hard for you to read. I wanted you to know this because you are the closest thing to me trusting someone that I have gotten to so far. I feel like being open and honest is the best thing both for our relationship and for my recovery. And I need your support. I am getting professional help, but sometimes I question whether I should be, or if I even deserve it. So many people have gone through so much worse, and I often feel like I am blowing my problems out of proportion. It has taken a few people to convince me that professional treatment is exactly the thing that I need, and their support has been what has kept me alive and on the mend for nearly the past year.

I feel like I'm rambling, and that the points that I have been trying to make and the experiences that I have been trying to share have been lost in the process of writing it all out. I'm trying to decide exactly who to send it to. If you have been invited to read this, congratulations. You are part of a very small circle that I have begun to trust. I hope this hasn't scared you off. I thank you for everything that you have done for me: for the time spent with me, for the uplifting way you have made me feel, for my ability to feel safe in your presence. You will never know exactly what you did that made me a better person (I sure don't). I just know that my life would never be the same without you. I honestly consider you one of my greatest friends. This is an opening for discussion both as friends, and for what I write here on this blog. These struggles are very real to me, and I want to be able to share my successes on here and have you know why these small things (like getting through a social experience with harming myself, or channeling something in a different way, or explaining why a certain situation is so hard) and have you understand why it's such a big deal to me.

Honestly, I'm very scared to share this with you, reader. I'm very scared that you will no longer want to be my friend, that I will be too much to handle, or that it will irreparably change our friendship because this is all that you will be thinking about when we are around each other. I hope it does not. I'm still me; I still love buying too many books, watching too many movies, and cooking egregious amounts of chili ramen noodles. I still want to be a college professor, and get married, and have a family one day. I still really want to be your friend.

Thank you for reading this. If you are still willing to continue our friendship after knowing some of the things that I struggle with, I thank you all the more. You mean the moon and more to me.

-m

About Time, Isn't It?

It's about time that I started posting things again. Calling my blog "confessional" actually puts on a lot of unexpected pressure on what I post, but I'm deciding to ignore it and post anyway. To help me out, I've got my reliable lists (they're like my Handy Dandy Notebook when it comes to Blogger Writing Block).

1. I am starting to write again. Not just on a blog, or a paper for school, but fiction for fun. I suck at doing anything more than about half a scene, but I'm getting myself back out there, telling the universe that I am ready to start working towards my dream of being a bestseller again. It's surprisingly hard to get back into writing; it's really tempting to just go to Tumblr or something like that and read what other people are writing. Which brings me to my next point.

2. I love blogging. I love this site. I'm wondering, however, whether I should start blogging on a more modern site, like Tumblr. I've tried having multiple blogs before, and I suck at it, so it would be either here or there. I mean, I technically already have a blog there, but it's not a blog blog. It's more of a reblogging of all of the fandom and feminist things that I find and love. I'm not sure what I should do. Any input would be appreciated.

3. I had my second surgery! Everything went exactly the way the doctor expected it to, and I'm on the mend. It'll be two weeks tomorrow (Monday) since my surgery, and the steri strips are starting to come up off of my incision. I got myself a NICE war wound, one that I have been wanting for a long time. I'm in physical therapy now, and it's like going to the dentist, except they seem to like people. The workers there are extremely nice, it's just a painful process to go through.

4. I've also started reading books again. It helps to be moving back up to my room where all of my books are. I've been binging on Vivian Vande Velde -- she writes for a younger crowd (and by younger, I mean younger than 20. More mid-teen range) but she's so witty and clever! Her writing actually reminds me of one of my best friend's writing. That might be why it's so endearing. Either way, she is a highly recommended author. I've regained my love for reading, folks! It's all up from here.

5. Star Trek: The Next Generation. Need I say more? Although not without its social issues flaws, it is a remarkable show with some of my favorite characters from my childhood. Currently, my favorite character is (other than Picard, of course) Lt. Worf. I've been watching so much of this show that I've actually been dreaming about it. No, really. I've had at least two dreams this week starring Star Trek: TNG characters in them (mostly Picard and La Forge, oddly enough).

6. My brothers are back home from their vacation, and I'm so glad! I missed them! Mostly them washing the dishes, but it's missing them nonetheless!

7. Ow. Owowowowowowowow. Ow. Don't be adventurous, guys. Recovery HURTS. 

M

Confession: "M" is still a pseudonym. Less of one than "Apricot," but a pseudonym all the same.

Reasons for changing from "Apricot":

1. It was time.

2. I mean, seriously, all my friends have made blogs using their real names and here I am with a pseudonym that is embarrassingly not me and it's time for that to change. I am not Apricot, I am not Soren Cantus (my first pseudonym), and it's time for me to stop hiding behind those.

Reasons for changing to "M":

1. It's so much more mysterious than "K." The whole title of the blog runs much more smoothly with the "M."

2. Two of my names start with "M." Only one starts with "K."

3. "M" sounds better (even though the letter "K" is prettier. Just sayin').

4. I still need a little bit of distance from my persona here. I'm going to be "confessing" a lot of really personal stuff in order to attempt to help people understand what I'm going through and what I'm talking about when I refer to certain things in my life. You have been warned.

Also, An Announcement

I'm going to be changing my URL/blog name soon. Nothing big or huge. Just changing the Apricot in the name to my name.

Why?

For reasons.

My Sunburns Turn Into Tans

Hey-oooooo!

I really have no reason to write this blog post other than I'm sitting at work, having just arrived, and am waiting for my boss to get off of the phone so that I can get some pretty clear direction (well, as clear as it gets) and then start my immensely busy day of work. Long days here, fellows, long days. Well, mostly because this week my mother is at camp, and since I don't have a car, I have to catch a ride with my dad to work, which he leaves for much earlier than I usually do. So now instead of being at work at 9:00 AM, I'm here around 7:45 AM.

Like I said, no real reason for this post.

I just want to get back into the habit of posting things. And writing things. I miss writing things. I'm in the process of writing a short story and it's killing me because I have no idea what to do or how to do it. I haven't written a piece of fiction in so long that I think that I've forgotten how to do it. Help me, O Patron Saint of Short Story Writing!

Oh, I guess I could update you on a couple of things. For one thing, I had my first surgery! It went well, and I'm a prime candidate for the surgery where they rebuild me using me (as opposed to rebuilding me using a cadaver). So about now (I think) my cells are growing in a lab somewhere from a sample they took during the aforementioned first surgery. Is that not the coolest thing or what?

On that same note, I'm back to regular gimpiness. I should be able to get in le pool today, which excites me to no end. I'm like on a sugar rush, buzzing over here because I get to get in the pool today and swim around. I got in on Saturday on this awesome floaty lounge chair thingy (you know, the big ones they sell at Walmart with the multicolored bottom and cupholder and a backrest and armrests). Mom got it for her relaxation, but they let me use it so that I could float around with a book and enjoy the pool. The book, my rightfully curious ones, was A GREAT AND TERRIBLE BEAUTY by Libba Bray. GO. READ. IT.

Because I didn't think I was going to be in the pool that long (and I was just lazy), I didn't put on any sunscreen. And then floated around in the sun for four hours. Good news: I got halfway through my book in one sitting. Bad news: I also got a pretty good beating from the sun, which resulted in a sunburn across the top side of me. Even better news: the burn is already going away and taking its rightful place as a tan. Oh, how I love summer! 

Also on the update radar, I like my boss. A lot. The first week, I hated him. I thought he was such a jerk, and I thought that for about a month. Lately, though, he's been pretty swell. He's grown on me. Sure, it's not daisies and cupcakes, but the guy knows that I had a surgery three weeks ago (to the day now), and he'll still carry in big piles of files so that I don't have to gimp around and carry them. How sweet is that? And I mean sweet not in the "awesome...sweet, dude" sense, but in the "aww, look how much he really cares" sense.

You know, I hadn't really planned on writing this much when I started this blog post. Oops, I guess. Unless you enjoyed it, then you're welcome!

Don't forget to be fantastic, my lovelies.

Three More

I've got three more songs swirling around my repeat button. Links are included in the song titles.
 
1. RIVERSIDE by Agnes Obel
This is a pretty pretty song by a pretty pretty European woman. Also, her cover has an owl on it. Awesome.

2. GALLOWS by CocoRosie
I first saw the video for this one, and that's how I started to like it. I don't like it nearly as much as Riverside on its own, but with the video, it's amazing.

3. C'MON by Panic! At The Disco (ft. Fun)
I should not like this song. I repeat: I SHOULD NOT LIKE THIS SONG. Why? Because it sounds like a mainstream pop song, and I normally overanalyze and hate those. But this one? This one I LOVE. It doesn't hurt that it's by two of my favorite artists.

My Old Kentucky Home

I don't know what it is about the Kentucky Derby that makes me so emotional. Is it the rousing, heartfelt singing of my state theme? Is it the beauty of the horses, the passion of everyone there, the ravishing greenness of the grass, the egregious amounts of over-sized headgear?

Is there an all of the above option?

I am extremely passionate about my home state of Kentucky. Those of you who know me in person will know that there is no middle ground with me. I either have no feelings about an issue/object/person/thing, or I have ALL OF THE FEELINGS IN THE WORLD THERE IS NOT ENOUGH OF ME TO CONTAIN THESE FEELINGS.

Observe:
0%---------------50%-------------------------------------172%
Math and stuff   Nothing here, are you kidding me?     KENTUCKY
                 Well, maybe life goals. They keep     TOM HIDDLESTON
                 fluctuating between I HAVE ALL              
                 OF THE CARES and I don't really
                 care at all.

In reference to the above graph, one can clearly see that my love for my home state and my love for Tom Hiddleston are the same.

That is a whole heckofalotta love. 

*Side Note: All of these writing-in-CAPS reminds me of my job where I am writing things in ALL CAPS about 97.8% of the time. I keep typing these things like I have Real Estate Law Feels. I have no such feels. There is no fandom to be had for me here. Just FYI.

Doctors. Again.

Fast forward to moving back home for the summer and two doctor visits later.

Here's the diagnosis:
1. I have arthritis. The doctor called it "minor" arthritis, minor meaning that we can hopefully fix it.

2. I need another surgery. My first surgery, the one that I had two years ago, was successful in removing the loose body floating around and getting stuck (painfully) between my bones (which means that I couldn't extend my knee for...well, months, if not a year).

This loose body was a piece of cartilage that had broken off and calcified between my bones for years (about from 7th grade until after my senior year of high school had finished. Someone do that math for me). When it broke off, it left a hole in my knee. The doctor/surgeon micro-fractured my knee, making it bleed in the hopes that it would fill up the hole. It didn't. The hole is still there (it's pretty massive, actually. I'd be impressed if it didn't hurt so bad). This new surgery will be a cartilage graft, where they will take cartilage (either from me or from a cadaver) and they will use it to plug up the hole. I have to go to yet another doctor to perform the surgery.

3. If the pain doesn't stop, I'm going to gnaw my knee off. With my teeth.

Five And A Half Hours

I have a research essay due in five and a half hours, and what am I doing? Painting my nails. I just can't get started on this darn thing! Every time I think about it, I get incredibly anxious, and I have to escape. Some of my old escape methods were quick fixes that enabled me to get on with it, but they also weren't very healthy, so I'm avoiding those. My escape right now is watching Zoella and other vloggers (particularly book vloggers) on YouTube. At least I'm not marathon-ing Doctor Who on Netflix instead, right...?

Also, important announcement: I have decided to be a vlogger!

And not just a vlogger of ordinary day things (mostly because those aren't interesting at all), but a vlogger of books; hauls, reviews, favorites, all kinds of stuff. I'll also have another blog set up to work with my vlog work. Links will follow once everything is set up enough to my satisfaction.

Five and a half hours...


...yup, I'm screwed.

Clothes And Grades And Things

1. I went shopping yesterday and bought four GORGEOUS shirts and an accessory belt (the belt was only $1) and now I'm looking amazingly gorgeous. Apparently plaid fit-and-flare button-up shirts look amazing on me.

2. With both of my research essays due this week, it looks like I actually have to start working on them now instead of panicking about them all day and having nightmares about them (alright, alright, so I haven't really had nightmares about them yet, but I can assure you that they're coming).

3. NULC is this week! I cannot express just how excited I am!

4. I got my hair cut into a '60's mod/'20's flapper bob. I've finally gotten my hair long enough to hint at an A-line bob, and the long it gets, the more defined the A-line will get to be. I'm officially out of pixie styles!

5. I'm really freaking out about the end of the semester and getting everything done. I haven't been keeping up with work these past two semesters, and my grades have really fallen behind. A lot. Like, last semester I got two B's and three C's -- not a single A. And while I could chalk it up to extremely hard classes and having a job and something really big and life-changing happening, those sound like excuses to me, not legitimate reasons. Because there are tons of people who go through similar things and still manage to care and work and get good grades. I really hope that I can get my school mojo back.

Honestly, It's Really Just More Amanda Palmer

Former roommates of mine will tell you (probably with a grudging sigh) that when I like a song, I replay it. Over. And over. And over again. For weeks. Or sometimes months. My songs will change every few months, and sometimes I even have a few songs that I play on repeat rather than just one, which makes roommates marginally more happy.

I keep trying to publish this post, but the songs I'm filing through just keep changing. So, before they change again, here's what I've been listening to on repeat:

1. TROUT HEART REPLICA by Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra
This song is what I've been feeling lately. I know that I sound really happy and perky and chirpy here on this blog, but I've been going through some very serious things lately, things that don't make me happy. I may be writing a post about it later. Regardless, go listen to this song because it is long, beautiful, and heartbreaking. Oh, look, it just came up on my shuffle (again). Time to listen.

2. WANT IT BACK by Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra
There's going to be a lot of Amanda Palmer on this list today, mostly because I've been unable to listen to anything else since I bought her album. Well, not bought. She has an option for free internet download because she understands that there are people like me who can't afford her gorgeous music. She asks that when we can, that we donate towards her art. And I will. Oh, I will. This summer, I will contribute so much to her music so that she can make so much more! Anyway, this song is just so catchy.

3. THE BED SONG by Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra
This was the second Amanda Palmer song that I heard and absolutely fell in love with. It's tied with TROUT HEART REPLICA for my favorite song of hers right now. Make sure that you have a box of tissues with you when you listen to it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

4. OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE by Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra
WARNING: You're going to want to find an edited version of this song because it only has one swear word in it and it's a whopper. But find that edited version, because this song is so amazing.

5. LOST by Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra
Wait for the chorus, because it just keeps getting better. This is one of those songs that I know I like so I don't shuffle it away, but I forget just how much I love it until it hits the repeated chorus in the end (come to think of it, a lot of Amanda Palmer's songs use a similar song structure at the end, but it's not one of those annoying repeated things. It's really good, and I think it might be because you can tell she puts thought into every one of her songs. It's amazing how much creativity oozes from this album).

Okay, so all of these songs are from Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra. What does that tell you? It tells you that you need to go get this album now because it's one of the most amazing albums ever produced.

Sometimes I Clean Things

I think I've already lamented the fate of my roommates, but let me add another thing to the list: I'm a maniacal cleaner. I'm a crazy lady with a broom, and when I get in the mood, NOTHING can keep me from going into a cleaning/furniture moving frenzy. I'm coming up on one now.

Sorry, roomies.

The last time that I went on a rampage -- no joke -- I kicked my roommates out of the bottom floor of our apartment, did the dishes, wiped everything down, swept, vacuumed, and rearranged the entire living room. Tomorrow is clean checks, perfect time to do it again.

Bring it on.

Oh, Look! Krill!

Alternate title: Oh, Look! Pain Pills!

I just realized that I never updated you guys on what happened when I went to the doctor. Here we go:

1. Con: I was a little late because I got lost. Pro: I know where the city hospital is now! (I know, I know, it's very stupid of me not to know where the city hospital is, especially since I've lived here every six months for the past three years, but honestly I didn't ever need the hospital. It kind of...well, it slipped my mind. I can seriously count all the times I've been to the hospital on one hand. Never been too much of a priority to know where the hospital is.)

2. From the x-rays that the nurses/assistants/what are these guys called again? took of my knee, we can pretty safely assume that the surgery that I had almost three years ago worked. Also, there is literally a chunk missing out of my knee. It's kind of cool. But not.

3. The doctor gave me three options from what he saw:
         a) live with it (which he said was not working. I agree).
         b) get a repeat procedure to scope around and see what's happening in my knee.
         c) get a bone/cartilage graft.

4. At least I got some pain pills. After the doctor found out that I was going home to get any work done, he seemed disinterested in me. I had to ask for pain pills (even though he had asked and knew that even walking was painful and regular stuff wasn't working. At all). He only gave me 40 pills, and I'm having to ration them out. Even with my rationing, I will have to call and get more before I go home. I guess I didn't realize just how much pain I was in until I started taking them and realized that even these wouldn't take the pain totally away, just diminish it to a manageable level.

5. Overview: it looks like my surgery worked, we don't know why I'm in pain, I'm going to have to wait to get back home to find a doctor interested enough to help me out. Only one month left! I can make it!

NULC, Mirror Writing, And Job-Hunting

1. I got into the NULC! For those who haven't heard me rant about it yet, it's the National Undergraduate Literature Conference. I submitted three works, and one of my essays made it in, so I'll be heading down the first weekend in April and read my work in front of, well, anyone who attends the conference and decides that they want to hear one of the essays in my session. I am obscenely excited. I went once two years ago (when one of my fiction pieces got accepted) and it was an absolute blast. This time I'm going to have some more, so I'll be able to get some of that steampunk jewelry that I fell in love with two years ago. Not the same pieces, but the same style, I hope.

2. I've got an appointment set up for my knee. I know, I know, I was going to wait until I go home, but although February (the worst month for the pain) is over, it's still not pleasant. I have an appointment set up for Wednesday, which hopefully will get me into an MRI soon. Preferably this week.

3. My mirror is currently being used as a "drawing board" of a story that I'm plunking out. I'm still in the pre-write stages, the part where I determine who the characters are and what the story is and why this story actually matters. It's an intensive process, significantly helped by what I'm learning in my Superheroes in American Literature class, which is teaching me why literature matters, and what makes a book something important.

4. I'm job-hunting. I don't think I want to go back to the job I've been working. It's time for a change, to take on a new job that will help me grow. And also not give me a severe anxiety-inducing working atmosphere (didn't realize that it did that until I realized that I have social anxiety. Go figure). The job I thought I was going to might not work out, and I'd like to find another one like it, a nice 9-5 M-F job that pays well and lets me swim in the pool and somewhere near the library so I can walk to the library on my lunch break....ugh, someone just hire me at the library, okay? Please? Then my life will be complete.

Exciting Things Are Happening

Let me tell you about them:

1. I'm in Women's Glee (no, not the show GLEE, but one of the vocal ensembles offered on campus. Part of my Music minor and all). We're singing in devotional this week, and our concert is this Wednesday. Looks like I need to get a move-on memorizing the German song we're singing.

2. Yesterday was Brother's birthday. I love him dearly -- he's one of my favorite people in the world, and I can honestly say that I'm related to one of my best friends (because he's pretty much the top of that list, right beside Stark). I'm a very lucky chica.

3. In three days, I find out if I made it into the NULC (National Undergraduate Literature Conference). I submitted three works this year, a fiction piece and two essays, as opposed to my usual single fiction submission. Hopefully at least one of them will get me in.

4. I bought a new sketchbook! It means I have less money for food, but art really is that important -- I really do believe that. I would gladly sacrifice my food for art, because while food may enable me to survive, art enables me to live.

5. THEATRE IS EVIL by Amanda Palmer and The Grand Theft Orchestra. Go download it off her site. Buy it off there. It has the new THE BED SONG recording. Go. Now. Fall in love with it. Listen to good art.

6. I think I'm going to go see THE TEMPEST, put on by my school. I've heard it's really good, and I just want to go see a play. Once you start going. you can't go back -- you get hooked.

Wow, that's a lot more than I had planned out. Guess there really are a lot of things going on in my life right now, even if they're small(ish).

We Have A Plan!

[Cue reminiscing of AN AMERICAN TAIL with that one lady-mouse who's always goin' "Wet's have a wawwy!"]

[Really, it's because at one point she says "We have a pwan!"]

[Which is the title of this post]

[Obviously]

[Cue actual post]

So you know of my woes of ever-painful knees (no, really, yesterday I had to miss a class because I just hurt too much. This is legit). Well, my wonderful mother is on the hunt for a doc to help me out. She asked the orthopedic surgeon who attends our church congregation and he also said that i definitely should not be feeling pain at this point. I'm going to need an MRI, for starters, and then we're just going to go from there.

Fun fact: the doctor that my mother is thinking about taking me to is the same doctor who worked on my elbow when I broke it in Kindergarten.

Two months to go, and then I'll (hopefully) be fixed, for real this time!

They Called Back

The orthopedic surgeon's office called back. Apparently if I'm still feeling pain, they need to see me. Guess something didn't turn out so well. I'm waiting for two more months until I get home to go see a doctor for my knee. My poor mother is on the verge of tears. She didn't know I was hurting so bad, and, in her own words, "I hate to make you suffer for two more months." I don't mind it, I've done it for years, but it's really nice to know that she worries about me, and not just if I have enough food. She worries about me being in pain, or not being happy. I know that she does, and I hate to worry her, but it's nice sometimes to know someone worries about you like that.

I really, really love my mother.

You'd Think I'd Given You Some Recomendations By Now

No, really.

I've been reading so many books, and I haven't given you any recommendations! What kind of friend am I? A terrible one, apparently, if we're basing friendship on the amount of recommendations I give you regularly on my blog. I'm very glad that our friendship is not based on that.

Here are my Top Ten books (in no particular order. Meaning #1 is not my most favorite book. It's just the first one that popped into my head):

1. DAUGHTER OF SMOKE AND BONE -- Laini Taylor
I started listening to this one on audiobook (which I am just about to finish, and I would recommend it to everyone). It's a new idea, an interesting concept, and it's so beautifully written! The book is amazing, the audiobook is fantastic. It definitely helps with the pronunciation of the spattering of Czech/Chimera/Seraphim names and words included in the story.

2. THE BOOK THIEF -- Markus Zusack
 Seriously, if you haven't read this book yet, then you haven't lived yet. Beautifully tragic in a very Amanda Palmer's THE BED SONG way, it's a vast roller coaster of emotions. Very real, very personal, and very entertaining. Especially since it's told through the perspective of Death, who is very deep and very wise in the ways of mortal beings. Primarily, us.

3. THE GIVER QUARTET -- Lois Lowry
 Most people have heard of THE GIVER, but most of them don't know that it's actually the first book in a quartet, and that the last book of the quartet just came out. They go as follows: THE GIVER, GATHERING BLUE, MESSENGER, and SON. That's the order. My favorite is probably GATHERING BLUE. The beautiful thing about this quartet is that you don't see why they're lumped together until the very end. It's a very beautiful end.

4. DIVERGENT -- Veronica Roth
 I don't know what it is about me and books about people in different groups (part of the appeal of Harry Potter), but this one filled that need in my literary heart. It's about a girl named Tris who is special, and she meets this boy named Four and it's a realistic relationship for once, and there isn't a love triangle, and it's a book that makes me feel dangerously brave. I love it. There are flaws in the characters, there is tragedy, there is strength and secrets and war. It will suck you in and keep you there.

5. THE FAULT IN OUR STARS -- John Green
 You may have been noticing that many of the books I've selected for this list include a hint of tragedy. This book surpasses that hint (much like THE BOOK THIEF), but don't you let that drive you away, reader! Take it, love it, just take precautions and bring a couple six-pack boxes of Kleenex with you. Or you could just say that you dropped it in the bathtub and that's how it got crinkly-stiff formerly-drenched pages.

6. GOOD OMENS: THE NICE AND ACCURATE PROPHECIES OF AGNES NUTTER, WITCH -- Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
Sometimes I put books on this list that I would recommend that I haven't actually finished, mostly because of me being too busy to read it when I got it from the library and I can't get my grubby little hands on it again because it's so dang popular. This is one of those books. Full of snarky, dry British humor and clever premises and execution, this is easily one of the most interesting books I've read, and easily one of the most intellectual.

7. WINTERGIRLS -- Laurie Halse Anderson
Written by the author of SPEAK, another one of my absolute favorite books, WINTERGIRLS is intensely dark. It's about a girl who suffers from anorexia, written in a poetic and haunting way that, to quote one of the reviews "is hard to read, but even harder to put down." That sums up this book perfectly. You get disturbingly close in her head, but it is worth every moment, and the ending makes it okay. You get done, you breath a sigh of relief, and you realize that you're going to be okay.

8. A TALE OF TWO CASTLES -- Gail Carson Levine
This is one of those younger books that I read because I absolutely love anything by Gail Carson Levine -- and she does not disappoint in this book. A mystery of fantastical proportions (get it, because it's a fantasy book?), it's full of twists and turns and ends nothing like how you thought it would. A breath of fresh air, to be honest. Very fresh air.

9. BEAUTIFUL CREATURES -- Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl
This is another one of those I-haven't-finished-reading-it-but-I-like-what-I've-read books. Sure, it's probably the most cliched out of all of the books on my list, but it's set in the South, and it's written well enough for me to enjoy it. I'm a sucker for stories set in the South. And I can't read a book, no matter how interesting its premise is, unless it is written well. The fact that I like this book despite its cliches is a compliment to the authors, indeed.

10. THE NIGHT CIRCUS -- Erin Morgenstern
I actually did finish this one, before you ask. And I loved it. I didn't really care for the two main characters -- to be honest, they were the most boring characters of the book, and that's saying something, because they were really cool. But they weren't meant to be the most interesting characters in the book. The circus was, and it is. And the clockmaker. I have a very special love for the clockmaker and the contortionist.

We Interrupt This Program For A Very Important Message

1. It's Valentine's Day. Despite my consistent single-ness on this day, I've always loved it. I think it's because of the fun boxes of valentines we gave each other in elementary school. Can we make this a thing in college? Please?

2. A boy I've never seen before (very good-looking, I might add) just came up to me and handed me a valentine with his name and number on it. He honestly just made my day. And I think I'm going to give him a text tonight. He put his number on it for a reason, right? Right. Pardon me while I smile excessively at a very good day.

An Update On Calling

I called my mother yesterday before I called the office of the orthopedic surgeon. My mother always gives me courage to call people, and she also helps me develop a script, although I don't know if she realizes that she's doing it.

I was telling my mother that I wasn't excited about calling the office, and she said that I should just wait until I got back home for the summer and then go to a orthopedist there. Then she made the mistake of asking how much my knee hurt.

(Answer: Every day, pretty much all day, usually staying around a 2-5 on the 1-10 pain scale, but able to get to 7-8 and give out on me. I can tell the weather with the pain in my knee. I'm not kidding. And I'm usually right.)

To which she said: Call them. Call them now.

And so I did. I talked to a receptionist, who said that there probably wasn't a lot that they could do without doing a bunch of different tests and x-rays and all that jazz, but she said that she would pass the message on and that they would call me with an answer to see if we could try to figure this out.

I'm still waiting for a call. I'm going to start going to a morning water aerobics class to see if that will help in the meantime.

Yes, Yes, Yes!

Look at me! Look at me! I'm blogging again, I'm being productive again! It's amazing what rearranging your room can do. And actually taking your medicine. Yeah, that could help. Maybe my productivity will even go so far as to give me motivation to do my laundry.

In other news, I'm going to be calling my orthopedic surgeon today because (nearly) three years after my surgery to fix me, I'm still feeling pain nearly every day, especially in winter. I'm really hoping that he'll be able to help me. The other option in my head is for him to go "Oops, sorry, you're screwed for life. Good luck!"

The scariest thing about this isn't him telling me that I'm screwed, actually. The scariest thing is calling -- that's right, I'm terrified of using the phone. I even have issues calling my mother or my friends sometimes. I'd much rather text or Skype. Mostly text. See, in text I can be witty and clever because I have time to think about it (I'm not a very quick thinker). When I call someone, if I don't have a script, then I freak out and my brain goes blank. So me calling the orthopedic surgeon goes a little like this in my head:

SECRETARY: Hello?
ME: Hi, Dr. [Insert Name Here] performed a surgery on me [Insert Date Here], and I'm having some trouble. I have some questions, and was wondering if Dr. [Insert Name Here] would be available for me to ask him those questions.
SECRETARY: Well, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to make an appointment.
ME: Ah, yes, you see, I'm in Idaho right now, and so coming down for an appointment isn't convenient. That's why I was wondering if I could ask him on the phone.
SECRETARY: I'm sorry, but you really have to have an appointment.
ME: [Sigh] Okay, fine. Do you have an appointment for this Monday, or are you closed?
SECRETARY: We don't have an opening until next Wednesday.
ME: No, no, no, I can't do that. I have school up here, I can't just drop everything and come down. Are you sure that there isn't anyone I can talk to?
SECRETARY: [Irritated] I told you, you have to have an appointment.
ME: Oh, okay, I'll just go, then. Have a nice day. [Hang up]

So that's how I feel it's going to go. Or I'll be talking to the doctor and he'll be asking me questions and either I don't know the answer or I won't know how to explain it to him. I guess that it's just what I'm going to have to get over, because I'm not really looking forward to the prospect of perpetual pain if I can help it.

Wish me luck!

Occasionally I Get Addicted To Twitter

And Netflix, and YouTube, and Tumblr, and Gmail, and...well, no, not Facebook. Facebook is kind of meh. I have much more fascinating places to go.

And things to write.

Because, let's face it, I've got a lot of co-writing to catch up on -- but I'm caught up in homework, which is almost good enough to be a consolation prize. No? Oh, okay. I'll go write now.